Author Josie Gagliano on the ‘sandwich generation’

Journalist turned blogger turned author Josie Gagliano appears to have achieved the impossible in delivering something fresh in an otherwise stale and overly saturated self-help book market.

Gagliano has cleverly picked up on a relatively new phenomenon – something called the “sandwich generation”. Mainly Generation X-ers, members of this group opted to have children at a later age than their Baby Boomer parents did, and now face the dual responsibility of nurturing their own offspring while nursing ageing parents.

In The Australian Ageing Generation Handbook, Gagliano looks at the hard facts and the emotional dissonance sensed with this new dual responsibility, but also offers suggestions on how to cope. More importantly, she highlights the need to remain a healthy and happy individual yourself. Otherwise, what help are you going to be to your loved ones?

Interview by Antonino Tati

Could you describe that ‘light-bulb moment’ when you realised you just had to write a book about this new phenomenon in ageing?

Well, when I was in the midst of all the madness [of bringing up children while nursing her ill mother] the last thing I wanted to do was write a book about what was happening to me, around me, and to my mother. It was just too overwhelming. Then, I did have a light bulb moment. I thought: ‘If I’m going through this, and I feel isolated and lonely and deeply sad at times, others must be feeling this also! I felt the need to connect, as carers often long to do, and so after having been to the launch of the new edition of The Australian Autism Handbook, I approached the publisher about my idea for this book. She saw the value in it for the wider Australian society, who are statistically very likely to be going through this, thanks to the ageing population, and they had me on board immediately.

Did it surprise you that this major shift and uptake in responsibility hadn’t been written up about by fellow Gen-X writers?

It does surprise me a little – but it’s also consistent with what’s happening in the psyche of our population at the moment. I look at my friends’ lives and very few of them are going through the same thing – looking after an elderly, sole parent while rearing young children. And so their lives are different, and the things I am struggling with are not on their radar. It’s an old person’s problem! But, there will be more of ‘me’ in years to come: women are having their children much later in life, and our parents are living longer thanks to modern medicine – it’s keeping them alive when they ‘should’ have [passed away] years ago. And so, this will create a whole slew of people who will be struggling with raising babies, while looking after an elderly parent who has reverted to baby-like behaviour. I can tell you from first-hand experience, it is one of the biggest struggles you will ever experience in your life. You grapple with two huge life stages, simultaneously.

Ironically, Generation X were branded as the ‘slacker’ generation – into grunge music and supposedly having ambiguous attitudes towards responsibility – yet here we are, many of us in this very role as carer to both the generation before and after us. Did this irony strike you as you were writing the book?

Yes, it did, and it does still. That’s because many of us in Generation X won’t know what hit us when we have to deal with it. And yet, I think we will become best equipped, more than any other generation in history. Because we have to. Empathy and caring will be demanded of us. At no other time in history have we had all these elements: people living longer, bigger developments in modern medicine to help keep us alive, and the most opportunities presented to us to pick and choose at whim. And yet, all of this can mean nothing when you are faced with the challenge of: mum or dad needs us; what do we do? Who is going to give up work? Which sibling will take on which role, and what will the personal cost – money, time, freedom – be? Where do we go from here?

A lot of the book would have been written from first-hand perspective. How difficult was it at times to remain objective?

Well, for me, honesty and telling the whole story at any cost was demanded of in writing this book. I can look at the chapters on the stats and facts, as well as the chapters on other carers’ stories and the stories of people working in the care industry, and I look at those all objectively. My personal stories throughout the book – they are more than simply subjective; they are huge, heart-on-my-sleeve happenings that I still can’t believe I was lucky enough to document and have someone publish. It’s a legacy and a tribute to my mother and our love for each other. What a huge privilege that is.

It certainly is. They say that the enemy of objectivity is emotion, but with the delicate subjects you’ve focused on – caring for young children, and caring for ageing parents – I’m sure you would have had to write from the heart on occasion.

I think I swing the pendulum between matter-of-fact and sensitive throughout the book. It’s almost like I want to give you the raw and hard facts and then temper these with love and reassurance that you will be okay; weaving these throughout the book. I don’t want to scare or worry you with my stories, but I do want you to get into my world for a bit, because one day you may experience it and feel lost. I am here to say you can be a carer and have a functional life and still find joy in the everyday. I promise. There will just be different levels of all of the above for everyone, but it is possible. One can indeed be matter-of-fact and sensitive in telling the whole story in a book.

Josie the journalist, interviewing actor and philanthropist Brad Pitt.

With you having to balance a lot in your own life – being a mother, a wife, a daughter whose mother has recently passed [rest in peace, Josie’s mother Concetta], a community supporter, author, journalist and blogger – how do you find the time to unwind? What are some of Josie Gagliano’s things-to-do-to-totally-spoil-herself-and-herself-only?

Thank you so much, and yes, juggling all of that is hard. But it is possible, and the way I believe it can be possible is to carve out time for every element your heart desires. If something gives you joy, go do that, even if it seems trivial or silly or not very highbrow, like watching reality TV, or just zoning out and surfing the net. That’s what I do. Who cares! You are the one going through hardship and any kind of release that works for you is the right one. For me, when my mother was still alive, I’d ensure that when I was off duty from being her carer, I’d go to a beauty launch event, or a food launch or anything that made me feel happy and connected and allowed me to continue to share a common ground with people whom I’ve known in the industry a long time… To tap into my ‘old life’, which is still very much part of my life now, and makes me feel happy and comfortable and validated as a writer and member of the media community. I love hanging out with friends and having a great dinner and chat. And I adore just hanging out with my husband and kids. Even doing nothing with them is something to me: it’s my safe zone and my completely accepted place. And the pure love I get from them all is something that sustains me. I’m a lucky woman.

To purchase a copy of ‘The Australian Ageing Generation Handbook’ online, go to Booktopia or JB Hi-Fi.

The book is also available at ABC Shops, Big W and Dymocks nationally.

Josie Gagliano was once Deputy Editor of Cream magazine. Naturally, we’re proud of her!