A cool blend of contemporary & retro culture

The Time Has Come for Alan Jones to Get His Comeuppance

Alan Jones is a rancid excuse for a man. If ever the word ‘hypocrisy’ were to be embodied in human form, it would be in the hideous body and dissonant mind belonging to Jones.

This is the man whose entire career is reliant on criticising and whinging about the supposedly sordid activities of progressives, while leading a secretive underground homosexual lifestyle himself.

In any case, rather than adopt a sensible, diplomatic approach in his critique, Jones goes right for the jugular, regularly spouting his rampant conservative views that have won him an audience who, scarily enough, becomes even more abrupt and backward in their thinking and expression.

Still, the popularity of Jones’ radio show on 2GB – and prior to this, 2UE – has made him a highly-paid and influential media personality, with regulators consistently pretending any recent defamatory comment would be his last, and that he would be cut from the payroll.

Indeed, despite the many times Jones has been sued for defamation, his popularity – on 2GB at least – appears to grow. But why, when so many ugly stories have surrounded the man for decades?

Jones is so dodgy that even his Wikipedia page doesn’t manage to get a grip on his actual birth date, reading “born 13 April 1941, or possibly 1942 or 1943”. For a man avidly tuned into for his ‘expert opinion’, it seems strange he can’t get someone to edit the Wiki date to read right.

Jones has been caught out ripping off other people’s stories; in 1990 he lifted an entire section from a Frederick Forsyth novel and put it into his own news article, calling it his own writing. He has been sprung – along with talks rival John Laws – for receiving secret payments from big brands so as to have their products dressed up as editorial when they were in fact advertorial. And he has managed to tame industry peers into remaining tight-lipped about his own sordid affairs off the air.

Accounts of lewd public behaviour began to plague Jones since at least 1988, when he was arrested in an underground public toilet in London and charged with ‘outraging public decency’ and ‘committing an indecent act’. Despite the court withdrawing the more serious charge and Jones pleading not guilty to the lesser charge of committing an indecent act (along with Jones’ feeble insistence that he was innocent of the charges leveled against him), talk of toilet loitering has often been associated with him, including activity in toilet stalls within the Sydney CBD going as far back as 1994 at least.

To the more progressive onlooker the sex-in-public part wouldn’t even be so bad if it wasn’t in connection to such a conservative, hypocritical bigot. In short, Jones has never played his part to champion gay rights.

Stories have also surfaced of Jones doing creepy things to school children when he was a teacher and, later, Senior English Master at the King’s School – an independent school for boys – in Parramatta, Sydney. There, Jones allegedly used his authority to a perverse degree, ogling young boys whilst they took showers, ‘strapping’ their legs when they complained of muscle pain, and even sending one young boy a love letter. The discovery of the letter saw him being fired from King’s but it is assumed the authorities at the school sensed that a whole lot more was going on.

When Jones was a coach and administrator of the Australian National Rugby Union stories would circulate of players coming and going from his hotel rooms at all hours of the night. Not an official office space, but swanky hotel rooms. It’s creepy to think that this man who has been entrusted with responsible roles – first as teacher, then as coach, now as radio broadcaster – should behave so conspiratorially.

“That’s a whole lot of butch ball-playing for one coach to get up close and personal with.”

Just as creepy is the fact that Jones has consistently worked closely with groups of fit, athletic, young men: in 1982 with semi-professional rugby; in 1983 as coach of the Manly Rugby Union team; in 1984 as coach of the Australia National Rugby Union team (ie: the Wallabies); right through to 1988 when he was made a Member of the Order of Australia by the Queen for his service to Rugby Union.

The rugby connection has continued for decades and in 2017 Jones took up an invitation to coach the Barbarians against the Classic Wallabies and the Wallabies during the 2017 end-of-year rugby union internationals. Suffice to say, that’s a whole lot of butch ball-playing for one coach to get up close and personal with.

It is his reputation as the man behind the glory of Australia’s fledgling presence on the rugby stage that has kept Jones in the category of cult hero.

Anything he’d say – however bigoted, misogynist, racist, homophobic, or wildly unfair and inaccurate – would be considered simply good ol’ criticism from a man who grew to be known as one of Australia’s main shock jocks.

Jones has repeatedly put down women, once having said Sydney MP Clover Moore should be “put in the same chaff bag as Julia Gillard and [thrown] out to sea”.

He’s been pig-headed towards races outside of Anglo for ages, too.

In 2005, Jones read out a text message encouraging vigilantism, saying “Come to Cronulla this weekend to take revenge… Get down to North Cronulla to support the Leb and wog bashing day”.

In 1993 – the International Year of the World’s Indigenous People – Jones described the choice of Aboriginal Australian Mandawuy Yunupingu (of Yothu Yindi fame) as Australian of the Year as being “ridiculous”, saying Yunupingu was chosen simply for his “colour or history” – whatever that might mean.

Jones went onto television later that year to tell prominent Aboriginal Australian Charles Perkins that Australians “are being asked to pay taxes to fund people who are seeking title to productive land to which they’ve made no contribution to its productivity”. Perkins rightly replied, “You’ve sat on your white bum at 2UE in Sydney all your life so you wouldn’t know what goes on out there”.

It’s been reported that when Jones switched from 2UE to 2GB in 2002, he also took a financial interest in the station. Making profit from a radio station that has only just hired you as breakfast announcer? Conflict of interest much?

A supporter of the Galileo Movement – a climate change denial group which insists climate change is a hoax perpetrated to form a ‘world government’ – Jones says he does not believe in significant human-induced climate change while he’s been a critical voice for government policy to use the Australian taxation system as a means of reducing carbon emissions, rather than target big businesses… Those same businesses that help fund his rampant radio activity up until now.

“You’ve sat on your white bum at [radio] in Sydney all your life so you wouldn’t know what goes on out there.”

This might all start to change as of this week, when several key advertisers on 2GB announced they would be pulling their advertising from Jones’ show after the announcer suggested that Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrisson “should shove a sock down the throat” of New Zealand PM Jacinda Ardern as well as saying she deserved a few “backhanders”.

Mattress merchants Koala and gym chain Anytime Fitness are the latest brands to pull their advertising from Jones’ 2GB program. Taking to Twitter on Monday morning, a Koala spokesperson said the company has pulled its “significant” ad spend due to Jones’ brash comments, while Anytime Fitness has said their ads have been removed with “no further advertising planned with the station”.

The effective blame game began when activist group Sleeping Giants responded to Jones’ comment by asking people on Twitter to “let his advertisers know how you feel”. And the message has cottoned on quickly.

Other brands that have committed to cease advertising with Jones breakfast show include ME Bank (actually the first to have pulled the plug), Art Union, Snooze, Bunnings, Bing Lee, Big W, A-Mart and Mercedes Benz.

The rude remarks, the blatant disregard for marginal groups, the sexism, the racism – all of it – was once swept under rug while Alan Jones’ disgusting celebrity continued to grow and fester, spawning soundalike anti-heroes such as Kyle Sandilands.

But this time it looks like Jones’ career could finally be over. Not even his attempts at charity association will mean much since a huge contingency of his monetary recipients are young, fit, elite sportspeople. Currently he is a staunch defender of Israel Folau, who recently made news for defamatory comments online against homosexuals.

As for Jones’ own sexuality, it rarely gets discussed in the light of day. While hardly in the closet himself – no thanks to industry talk more than any self-outing – it’s odd that Jones has spent so much time defending some of Australia’s most virulently homophobic personalities, as queer publication Q News made mention of in an article over the weekend.

One thing seems certain: the even uglier side of Alan Jones looks like finally being aired for the truth that it is. Already, social media users are dredging up Jones’ past, reminding readers of his perverse handling of students in his teaching days and his illicit behaviour after dark and underground.

It’s been a long time coming for Jones to be caught out for all his hypocrisy. In fact, investigative journalist Chris Masters speculated in his book Jonestown: The Power and the Myth of Alan Jones that “the masking of [Alan Jones’] homosexuality is a defining feature of [his] persona. Jones’ apparent self-belief that, on the one hand, he is damaged and, on the other hand, special, goes a long way to explaining an unusual personality.”

But it is perhaps former Vice-President of the Australian Council of Trade Unions, Paul Howes, who put it best when he said that Alan Jones is “a man who seeks the adulation of an audience that would likely loathe his core DNA were it not hidden from view”.

Perhaps that dissonant torture has been enough punishment for Jones up until now. Now, he’s got to fight the internet to hide his homophobia. And good luck trying to maintain that bigoted attitude online. There are forums and comment sections just waiting to tear you to shreds, Mr Jones, in a medium where sock-stuffing simply cannot happen.

Yep, modern karma’s a bitch.

Michael Mastess

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