Supermarket bought crisps: what is it with all the meaty pie and sausage-rolly flavours?

You know what gets at my goat at the supermarket? The Chip Aisle. This once-was-great haven for chips has grown stale with maybe too much ‘artisan’ going onto the humble potato to have turned into an altogether different food group.

Atomic Tomato is hardly anywhere to be seen, but you might cry Eureka at a Reject Shop in a shopping mall you’ve never been to in a suburb you’ve never heard of .

The same chip aisle squeezes in those hard-to-reach craft flavours on the top shelf – whose names you cannot read even if you squinted because they’re so loooong in their season-and-cider-packed descriptions, you’ve got to try and guess by the bright foil colours what ia what. Purpley and silver? It probably has Spanish onion in it. Vivid green – definitely lime in there somewhere. And whose stupid idea was it to ever put a lemon next to a potato? Wrong, Jana, wrong, wrong, wrong. And don’t get me started on the alternatives to crisps. Cheetos suddenly went from being boutique US-candy-store-style exxy to cheap as, well, chips. Twisties don’t know if they’re Arthur or Martha, whether that be in flavour (Raspberry? Ooof), colour (blue, yuk), or even shape (note to marketers: a zig-zag is not a twist). Chikkadees are about the price of a whole hot chook at the deli. And I often get stuck between the Pringles and popcorn and end up buying a pack of those Corner Poppers Thingamajiggies (they’re actually quite good). But back to the meatier stuff.

So far I’ve seen (and occasionally dared to try) Meat Pie & Sauce, Summer Sausage Sizzle, Sizzling Steak & Onions, Chicken Zinger, Peking Duck, Gravy, Worcestershire Sauce… and even Heinz Big Red (it’s just not Atomic Tomato). And this is just from the Smiths camp.

The past centuries have seen landfill and seaside (not to mention school yards) littered with empty packets that once contained Bovril-doused crisps, bacon-flavoured Frazzles, or who-knows-what-in-the-hell-was-in-there Monster Munchies. And the crisp market is in supercharge mode today, with everything from Spicy Flamin’ ranges (too many of them) to those tacky chips called Takis that taste like offcut Doritos dipped in lemon vinegar then dyed in purple.

Here’s a suggestion – in today’s picky and far more competitive market, how about if it ain’t the genuine vegetable or meat, you don’t put it on the label. Chip makers are confusing us, let alone our kids. And you’re turning our tastebuds into feeling like leftover pizza offcuts.

If someone wants pie-tinged chips for lunch, he’s gonna tuck into a traditional meat pie and maybe some hot beer-battered chips on the side. And he’ll get his own sauce, thanks.

What exactly in that ‘sausage roll’ or ‘burger’ seasoning, anyway? Is it a pork or a beef one? Maybe a fancy salmon sausage roll? Is it a HJ’s tasting whopper or an exotic nation’s version of a burger, such as a kofta wrapped in Turkish bread? Too many meaty flavours, and a little suspect that they’re usually found in the sales corner. Still, for fifty cents I wouldn’t buy something labelled. It’s enough to make my stomach churn. Lisa Andrews

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