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Introducing the new Apple Migraine: the company releases perhaps too many products in one go

The new Apple iMac is extremely thin (11.5mm) and will be available in Blue, Green, Red, Pink, Silver, Yellow, Orange and Purple. Good luck in picking what colour you’d like while your mind is wondering about the tens of other products the brand is unleashing at once.

If, like most consumers, you’re occasionally torn between brands when planning to make a purchase of a much-needed techno device – say, a mobile phone or computer – you’ll know it takes a lot of brain space, time and energy to compare, contrast and ultimately consume.

To throw a spanner into the works, Apple has added an avalanche of products to its product catalogue this week, seeing to it that your decision-making is now even more time-consuming, more energy-depleting and, well, more of a mind-fucking affair.

This morning alone, I was subjected to seven (count ’em!) emails from Apple’s PR department, each announcing the arrival of a new device, or variety of devices. The new Apple iMac, for example, is available in an array of colours and, throwing functionality information into the mix, that’s a lot of options and information to soak in.

As a corporation operating in the IT field, Apple ought to know better than to bombard its customers and media with so much information overload. This is the brand, after all, that prides itself on minimalist design – nary featuring more than one button on their electronic devices. It may make spoilt-for-choice millennials happy – who practically came out of the womb with an iPhone in their hand – but the rest of us old-school folk are scratching our heads wondering how the fuck are we supposed to go online for instructions to set up the gizmo if we don’t know how to turn the fucker on in the first place?

But it’s an impressive line-up of fresh products that have fallen from the Apple tree this week. Since the brand is now incorporating its M1 Apple Silicon processors into almost all of its products, its push to promote dozens of new items is partly understandable. The M1 chip replaces a lot of cumbersome motherboard hence allows for devices to be manufactured in smaller, more compact design. Smaller products mean more shelf space in shops and warehouses, and so the outpouring of consumables expands. But, again, at what cost to the end consumer who, like us, is getting more and more confused with the surplus of choices?

I’m betting there are going to be cues around the block at Apple stores around the country, not so much because it’s cool to hang around an Apple store or because there’s anything wrong with customers’ Apple products but because it’s taking the tech geeks inside sooooo much time to explain the differences between all the new fandangle devices.

There’s a new iPad Pro boasting to be the most powerful tablet on the market. There’s the aforementioned new iMac, boasting to be the skinniest bitch on the block (11.5mm thin, FYI). There are new models of the iPhone 12 with some kind of big deal being made that it’s now available in purple (while Apple has previously launched colour devices to raise awareness for charitable causes, the purple iPhone is simply a colourful addition which according to company CEO Tim Cook, will be “perfect for Spring”. Cook obviously didn’t do well in geography since it’s Autumn in Australia).

Apple also unveiled today its next generation of Apple TV 4K, which they’re calling “bionic”, complete with all-new Siri Remote.

And the new crap just keeps piling up, if not in the hardware department, then in the accessories aisle. 

AirTag is an iPhone accessory that the company is virtually pushing as a ‘necessity’, telling us it “provides a private and secure way to easily locate the items that matter most” (ie: your Apple iPhone or your handbag containing your iPhone). Heck, there is even a collaboration with Hermès available for people looking for haute AirTags.

There are also a bunch of different bands to sport on Apple watches, analogue-looking Apple watches as an alternative to digital / minimalist-looking ones, and news that Apple Airpods 3 are soon to hit the market – hyped to have a form factor design “similar to AirPods Pro” (so why not just repackage and reissue the AirPods Pro, then?).

And the product-pushing isn’t limited to physical products. There are new Apple Podcasts subscriptions, which gives listeners the ability to listen to podcasts ad-free.

It may make spoilt-for-choice millennials happy – who practically came out of the womb with an iPhone in their hand – but the rest of us old-school folk are scratching our heads wondering how the fuck are we supposed to go online for instructions to set up the gizmo if we don’t know how to turn the fucker on in the first place?

If all this product overload isn’t enough to put you off gadget shopping for the time being, perhaps you have a little too much time on your hands.

And god forbid should you be shopping for all this shit on a PC or an Android device. You’ll be subjected to more lockouts and mental abuse than a homeless person out front of a David Jones on Black Friday.

Good luck trying to keep up with the Apple Joneses with this lot.

Antonino Tati

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